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thoughts on love, sex, music and ferocity
tagged: insecurity
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Six Things I Hope I Learned in My Twenties

I turn thirty tomorrow! Here are the things I spent the last decade clumsily learning. I might well continue learning some or all of these til I die, but here’s hoping I’m done. 

1)         Don’t spend time with people who bum you out.

This goes for lovers, friends, colleagues, and even family members. Life is short, and you don’t have time to feel insecure, bored, angry, depressed or anxious. If you habitually feel that way in someone’s presence, locate the nearest exit and run.

Loving someone is not an excuse to allow them to bum you out.

This goes double for romantic partners. Either they need to stop bumming you out, or you need to stop being around them. You do not owe anyone your presence (with the possible exception of your children), and nobody has the right to make you feel bad.

Finally, it’s not important to have a rationalization, for yourself or for the bummer in question, about why you will no longer be spending time with them. Everyone has a right to seek happiness; yours tends to be in rooms where they are not. It’s nobody’s fault and nobody can fix it.


2)         The fear of failure can only be cured by work.

There is only one thing I’ve found that quiets the clamoring of the demons in my head (the ones who tell me that I am an awful talentless boring lazy failure): sit down, pick up the guitar, and work.

Drugs and drinking used to quiet them down, but then I’d wake up and the clamoring was louder. Success, also, seemed like it might work, when I saw it in the distance from the valley below. Now, I’m no rockstar, and I don’t own a yacht; but I do the thing I love and I get paid for it, and I’ve played some really cool gigs and hung out with a bunch of my musical idols. So I tell you this with relish: none of those things worked on the demons either.

The demons don’t care who I’ve opened for or how much I got paid. They also don’t care about any of the work I’ve made in the past.

The only bludgeon I can beat them with is the work I’m making right now, this very minute.

So when I hear them running down the corridors of my mind, scratching the floorboards and chewing the furniture, yipping about every humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me, I go find a quiet room, and I sing. 


3)         You can’t make people like you.

Some people are assholes, some are aliens, and some just aren’t that into you. One of the biggest time-suck mind-fucks I’ve ever stumbled into (repeatedly) is the one where I say, “Wait, you don’t LIKE me?? Well you must not KNOW me very well. What if I do this little DANCE for you? Wearing this gorgeous MONKEY SUIT? I can SING too….”

But alas, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make somebody like you.

Absolutely. Nothing. 

How many things was that, again?

Zero. Not even one thing.

You might as well get a slice of pizza and watch a movie until the sting subsides, then go out and meet somebody who’s not an alien.

4)         Scenes are for suckers.

When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time imagining what it was like to live in a creative hotbed, like Paris in the ‘20s or Greenwich Village in the ‘60s. At sixteen, I moved into an intentional community in Eugene with a bunch of other musicians and artists. Then I hung out with musicians and dancers in San Francisco, and later Philadelphia, looking for “my people”. Finally, I moved to New Orleans, where (I imagined) the streets were paved with songwriters.

Turns out, all the scenes I’ve ever become involved in have suffered from the same problem: they are petty, and gossipy, and rife with the sort of militant mediocrity that comes from too many people trying too hard to be liked by too many other people.

All of my favorite artists are inspired by a lot of weird quirky things, like some record they found in a junk shop; or a play by a Venezuelan farmer; or a thousand year old poem. They are not overly impressed by fame or hipness, and they are not easily convinced of the quality of whoever happens to be the king or queen of their local scene. They are good at spotting the kind of scenesterism that my friend Milton (quoting Randy Newman) calls “Big hat, no cattle”.

Being fully accepted by a scene requires you to suspend your critical thinking skills in favor of the ‘groupthink’ of your scene. This is the reason so many teenagers get involved in so many nasty, stupid shenanigans. If we are lucky, we grow out of our need to be accepted and liked by our local cool kids, and focus on our need to accept and like ourselves. 

This is not to say that you shouldn’t look for people who motivate and inspire you, and offer you a sense of camaraderie and support. Problem is, it’s unlikely that those people will be geographically or psychologically localized. Have the gumption and persistence to seek them out, and be honest with yourself about who they are and are not. 


5)         If you’re worrying about doing it right, you aren’t.

This goes for pretty much anything worth doing: music, sex, writing, dancing, conversation, cuddling, and any kind of creative act. Self-consciousness turns off your heart and ignites the dumbest and most awkward parts of your personality. Trying to connect or create using your worry-brain is like trying to teach a dog to play piano: no amount of focus or persistence will make it happen. You’ve got the wrong guy for the job.

So, when you find yourself having performance anxiety, don’t try to do a better job. Try to stop worrying. Call a time out, have some tea, go for a walk, and start over.


6)         Your insecurities are boring.

All of us are plagued by insecurities, and haunted by their origin stories. Our moms were critical, our dads were absent, we got blindsided by loss and meanness and dumb bad luck. Nobody loved us the way we needed.

Now, we move through the world handicapped by all sorts of fear. We aren’t pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough at love or music or hockey. We are bothers and hacks and washed up has-beens. We are lazy and perverted and everyone talks about us behind our backs.

But that’s everybody’s story, and it’s a boring one. Put it to bed and start a new one. 



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In Praise of Doing Scary Things.

Well, my new record is out.

I first conceived of this record about three years ago, right after I finished Idiot Heart. The thought was, “Those are the best songs I know how to make. Maybe next time I’ll record the best songs I can find, whether I made them or not.”

The best songs I could find, according (of course) to me, happen to have been written in the 1930s-50s. This venture could easily have resulted in a tribute to Joni Mitchell, or Tom Waits, or Sam Cooke; but instead it resulted in a record of classic jazz. To me, the record is not about jazz; it’s about great songs. Great songs are my passion, my purpose, and my thrill; this album is just another way of exploring and sharing that joy.

Have you ever made something really big and complicated? Say, a house, or a book, or a large event, or probably a kid (not sure, haven’t tried)? It’s strange, and powerful, and wonderful, and terrible. Mostly overwhelming. You wake up every day for a year or two with one goal in mind, and you run the whole gamut of human emotions about meeting that goal. One day, you wake up thinking “I’m a GENIUS! Everyone will LOVE IT!”, and the next day, “I’m a LOSER! Everyone will LAUGH AT ME!”

You quit, about two hundred times. You get re-inspired and take up the cause with aplomb. Some days, you blame other people for whatever tough bit you’re currently trying to chew, and spend the whole day in bed watching Netflix. Some days, you wake up early, drink your coffee, and tackle a few of the scary parts before noon.

At this point, I’ve made enough big, scary, complicated things to at least understand what I’m getting myself into. The demons are just as strong and stupid as they ever were, but now I have the advantage of occasionally looking up from the wrestling match and thinking, “Oh yeah; THIS little fucker. I’ve beat him before, and I’ll do it again.”

Here is a partial list of the demons I battled in the making of this record:

  • Demon of YOU’RE NOT A REAL ARTIST/MUSICIAN/SINGER
  • Demon of YOU’RE A FAKER AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT
  • Demon of LEAVE IT TO THE EXPERTS
  • Demon of IF YOU FAIL YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER
  • Demon of NOBODY CARES ABOUT GOOD ART
  • Demon of NOBODY ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION
  • Demon of YOU DON’T DESERVE THEIR MONEY
  • Demon of IF YOU’RE SO SMART, WHY IS EVERYONE ARGUING WITH YOU?
  • Demon of BE NICE AND LISTEN TO THE MEN
  • Demon of IT WILL NEVER BE PERFECT, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP NOW

There are various and sundry others, but most of them are children of the big poppa demons listed above. I am listing them so that you might recognize your own demons, and notice that they aren’t as unique and smart and special as they seem to think they are. It’s surprisingly empowering just to look at your demon and say, “I see you, demon.”

And when you do name your demons, and take a good swipe at them, you might get just a tiny little break from their incessant shouting. When you get that break, you look around and think, “Oh yeah, I’m singing these songs. And I LOVE these songs. I want nothing more than to share these songs with anybody who will listen.”

Or, maybe you’re writing this story, or building this house. Whatever your passion is, it will shine through the haze of your boring, run-of-the-mill insecurities just for a minute; and lo and behold, it’s just BEAUTIFUL.

The creative impulse is a sacred thing. It drives us to fill the world with beauty, and to connect with other people. It is one of our most precious capacities as humans. The advantage of doing scary things is that you are faced with all your demons, all at once, in an ugly, stupid parade. Occasionally, you’ll get a bite out of one, and he’ll scurry off under a rock for a minute. In the brief silence that follows, the truer, bigger, brighter joy that drives you fills the whole sky.

And if you’re lucky, there’s a bonus: you might have made something good.

I think this record is a good one. You can listen and buy it here: http://carsieblanton.bandcamp.com/ 



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